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Perhaps the symptoms of people not getting along are familiar to you:
- Gossip and infighting
- People resisting change
- Teams getting fragmented
- People getting burned out
- People getting irritated at the drop of a hat
- People blaming others
- People complaining there's no one to talk to
If these symptoms are familiar to you, be assured you are not alone. Here
are the 7 top reasons why people don't get along at work and what to do
about them.
1) PEOPLE AREN'T PRESENT. When people get scared, their thoughts go into
the future or into the past. They spend valuable energy worrying, imagining
the worst, and rehearsing what they are going to do next. When this happens,
people aren't authentic or real. They behave in habitual reactive patterns
that ignite conflict. They abdicate personal responsibility.
WHAT TO DO: One of the most simple and powerful methods for bringing
yourself present is by following the rhythm of your breath. By using the
power of your mind, focus on your inhale and your exhale for as little as 30
seconds. You will feel more relaxed, energized, and come into present time.
You will feel your heart open and a greater sense of confidence and personal
power. This method has been used successfully for thousands of years around
the world. It's been used by Olympic athletes and performers who achieve
world-class success. It is simple, costs no money to practice, and can be
done in a meeting, on the phone, or even in a sales presentation.
2) PEOPLE AREN'T LISTENING. One client last week was experiencing huge
turnover rates. In exit interviews, the people resigning told her, "We don't
feel like we can talk to anyone in this company." A key responsibility for
a leader is to care for people. It's not about playing therapist or
indulging people's fear patterns. It's about being real, compassionate and
respectful. Research shows that the single most important relationship an
employee has is with their supervisor.
WHAT TO DO: While EAP programs are important, it is even more important that
supervisors and managers, including yourself, develop the skills to be
authentic and talk with your employees honestly. Don't be afraid this will
take away from their work time or that you'll have crowds of people doing
nothing but talking about what they feel. Guess what? They do this
already. They just want someone to listen. You'll find that 10 minutes of
listening deeply, staying present, and reflecting what you hear will empower
an employee to be more trusting and loyal. The magic of your rapport will
motivate your employees with the courage and confidence they need. They
will stop competing for your attention and start working collaboratively.
Being real costs no money, can be done anywhere, and develops loyalty in
your business.
3) PEOPLE FEEL POWERLESS. When people go through change they are
pulled out of their comfort zone and feel scared. Their first impulse is to feel a
lack of control and power. They're afraid something will be taken away from
them: turf, status, attention, money, etc. This triggers power struggles
along with jealousy, attention grabbing behaviors, and competition. People
who feel left out will usually sabotage any plan and cause havoc.
WHAT TO DO: First, make sure people are informed and have a say in the
planning stage of any change initiative. This includes everyone, up and down
the organizational chart. Secondly, be honest and open about what people
could lose during any change initiative. Be direct and empathetic. Don't
sugar coat the truth. Honor the losses with compassion. Be authentic and
care for your employees. Use more communication. You will have happier
people who feel empowered.
4) PEOPLE DON'T DEAL WITH THEIR SHADOW. The shadow is that part of ourselves that we have disowned and can't see clearly. A shadow is expressed
when people are scared, feel powerless, and get reactive. For example, if I
have a fear of not being good enough, I could project my fear onto you and
think you are criticizing me even when you aren't. This projection process
creates all kinds of drama at work. It's how people become victims and
bullies. You can always tell when a shadow is at play because there is a
charge or difficulty in the relationship.
WHAT TO DO: Many of my clients have learned to anticipate that a major
change will activate their fear of not being good enough. It's important to
realize that when we heal the shadow, we come into greater wholeness,
authenticity, and effectiveness. This, in fact, is the purpose of the shadow.
Learn how to embrace your shadow, track it without indulgence, and
work with it. It holds the key or pearl of wisdom that is required for the
anticipated change to be successful.
5) PEOPLE IGNORE CONFLICT. No surprise. Conflict takes us out of our comfort zone and brings us face to face with our worst fears of rejection,
incompetence, being hurt or hurting someone else. Ignoring conflict actually
ignites it. One client avoided conflict even when it was right in front of
him. When the competition between his two vice-presidents erupted, the
conflict ended up involving teams of people and hundreds of thousands of
dollars in loss of sales, productivity, customer service problems, and
turnover.
WHAT TO DO: Accept that conflict is a natural and ongoing part of life.
Conflict is an announcement for change, growth and creativity; it is not an
announcement that someone is wrong or bad. The best way to deal with
conflict is to become skillful and prepare for it. Learn impeccable
communication skills and effective ways of dealing with conflict. That's
what the client above finally did. He learned to use the international
24/3/7 rule: address a problem within the first 24 hours; if not then the
first 3 days; if not then the first 7 days. After 7 days, you are indulging
the problem. Ask yourself, "Is my allegiance to my authenticity or ongoing
conflict? To my growth or drama?"
6) PEOPLE DON'T TRUST EACH OTHER. When people don't trust each other, they spend untold amounts of energy and time on clever and manipulative tactics to get their way. They'll withhold information, ignore work requests,
irritate customers, and blame others for their burdensome plight. Basically
they disconnect from each other and their job. This explains one of the
recent Gallup Poll findings that 70% of U.S. employees are disengaged at
work. Or the report in last summer's Fast Company that only 34% of
employees worldwide feel a strong sense of loyalty to their employers. *
WHAT TO DO: Trust is a measure of your reliability. To cultivate trust,
it's essential to say what you mean and do what you say. Learn to be honest
and specific in saying what you mean. Make agreements you can keep. That
way people will learn that they can rely on you. Next, do what you say.
Follow through and keep your agreements. If you are on a team, make an
agreement that people will arrive on time and leave only at the end of team
meetings.
7) PEOPLE ARE EXHAUSTED. They are depleted physically, emotionally,
mentally and spiritually. They are out of their natural rhythm. This causes
people to run on automatic and be reactive. A vice president of a well-known
banking firm drinks coffee for breakfast and diet coke the rest of the day.
When I asked him if he ever ate lunch, he said, "No. Eating in the middle
of the day makes me tired."
WHAT TO DO: What most people don't know is that being depleted and
exhausted comes from low levels of self-esteem, not from an honest
commitment to be a better person or more competent at your job. Regardless
of your job title, managing your self-esteem is a daily maintenance
exercise. To help others build their self-esteem, use the power of
acknowledgement and appreciation. Research shows that if people aren't told
they are appreciated they will assume they aren't. Practice giving honest
and specific appreciation to people on a regular basis. To build your own
self-esteem, ask yourself, "Is my self-esteem as strong as my self-critic?"
Practicing affirmations and visualizations for 10 minutes a day will dramatically improve your self-trust and self-respect. When you honor yourself for being enough, your self-care will improve. And not surprisingly, so will your relationships.
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